人間

Venturing about.

Return!?

My prayer tablet from 2007 is in there somewhere,

with the usual wishes written upon it:

stay healthy,

do well in school,

protect my family,

meet a nice boy,

and return to Japan someday.

I knew the first three were likely to happen, but I never imagined the last would!

Well, not so soon, anyway.

9 more days.

Revisiting old friends and nostalgic places for ten days, and then visiting the sprawling metropolis of Tokyo and my friend Kinuko for another ten or so.

This, combined with Christmas, is making me feel elated beyond belief. I am so excited for both that I can hardly contain myself. I think one of these is appropriate:

^_____^!!!!

---

I had been wandering through the snow for quite some time. It was cold, but not unpleasant...comforting, really, in a numbing way. There were indents in the soft sheen of ice, freshly made by the careful steps of my predecessor. The prints diverted off the slick road I had been traveling, off into a set of ominous looking trees growing nearby. I wanted to stick to my initial path, but I knew that this divergent road would eventually converge back into the one I had started on. It did not hold the appeal of safety the main road did, but it offered a lure that little else ever had.

You know what really grinds my gears?

You know what really grinds my gears? People who constantly use other peoples' ideas to project what they think their personality, interests, and thoughts are or should be. I know that everyone has idols they are inspired by, and that everyone, regardless, borrows ideas from somewhere or another. But the fact that some people just constantly barrage you with works and ideas that are not their own to "express themselves" is irritating. I like people with diverse interests and knowledgeable backgrounds about this and that, but if when it comes down to it they have no real thought processes of their own, it is frustrating and disheartening.

I remember reading in Invisible Monsters the quote "I am the combined effort of everyone I have ever known." I instantly liked this idea because I thought it true: it is. Work to change that. Throw your own effort into that mix, and make it the dominant force. Take things that you admire or believe and challenge them, draw your own conjectures, and change them as you see fit. Never stick to what is safe. Be able to apply your beliefs and knowledge in different contexts. Perpetuate a cycle of being inspired, inspiring others and inspiring yourself.

Misanthropy.

Julie sits outside of the large Humanities building, on a wooden bench underneath one of the less occupied tree covered areas. From where she is sitting, she can see a number of students lounging around as well as hurrying past.

College students... what interesting and disgusting creatures, she muses as she pretends to be texting on her iPhone - an activity that she finds herself doing to look occupied, partly out of an unremitting need to fidget, and partly out of the need to ward off strangers.

Every morning when Julie initially wakes she feels caught between the desire to love the world and to hate it. Usually, about an hour into the day later, she finds a happy balance nestled among a daily schedule, cup of coffee, and texts from her friends.

Naturally, sitting there and noticing an equal amount of negatives as positives concerning her peers makes her feel like a bit of a misanthrope. Hate the world. Hatehatehatehate. Initial guilt about negative similarities quickly dissipates and the elitist attitude sinks in.

Then why, why dear god, does Julie want to "help" people? If she detests the general public at all, why want to work with them? Why with children of all populations?

The only answer I can think of is this: a healthy dose of misanthropy inevitably drives those with a good-natured, caring disposition to want to do something to improve or mend broken humanity.

Why children? Well, because...because every time Julie meets an adult with "issues", every reason for the way they are is a downward of trajectory stemming from their past. Get 'em young! - they say and all that.

Julie is no fool. She knows she cannot help nor improve humanity significantly. To her, though, if she can really, truly help but one or a few vulnerable beings it makes it all worth it.

It is bizarre how this desire to help is a viable partner to the tendency to dislike.

That's all, folks.

Hapaness & Cultural Identity.

So today I am going to be ranting about being multiracial. I know that in a sense, almost everyone is multiracial and not 100% a particular race, but I am talking about being multiracial in one's own cultural and immediate family background.

The term "hapa" literally means fragment, part, portion, etc. It originally came from Hawaii and was used to describe a person of mixed Asian or Pacific Islander racial/ethnic heritage. In more recent years the term has been applied to anyone of significant mixed heritage, not just Asians. However, the term is most commonly applied to Asians who are mixed with non-asian blood, usually those who are half-and-half. The reason the term has been chosen to be applied this way is probably due to the growing amount of Asians marrying non-Asians in the U.S. and other countries.

I have never really had a solitary ethnic background to identify with. Those forms with the little checkboxes that wanted you to identify your race were always very confusing to me. Am I "Caucasian", "Asian", "South East-Asian", "Filipino", or "Other"? I usually ended up checking the "Other" box to simply negate thinking about it.

MOM (Late 20's)

My Mom was born in the Philippines and came to the U.S. to be a nurse when she was in her late twenties. Like many other Filipinos, her family has a background of Chinese blood, but it was never tied to her lifestyle there.

DAD (Early 20's)

My Dad was born and raised in California to a father whose parents immigrated from Germany, and a mother whose parents immigrated from Austria.

RESULT: JULIANNA (20)

When people ask me, "So do you feel more Filipino or White?" The first thought that instantly pops into my mind is "Filipino!" I always thought that I probably felt that way because I visually look more Filipino than Caucasian. In truth, though, I've always felt closest to a Filipino that was born and raised in the U.S., minus the paternal culture factor. My father has no White relatives except for my Grandfather, who I only visited once or twice a year while I was growing up. My mother, however, is one of six. Two of my aunts live in the U.S., and the rest back in the Philippines. Lolo and Lola, my maternal grandparents, lived with my family and raised me and my siblings up until I was about six. They moved in with my Aunt when my two cousins Mei-Mei and Cyril moved to the U.S.. I spent a lot of time at my Aunt's house with my cousins and Grandparents until they moved back to the Philippines when I was ten.

Growing up, I attended many Filipino family parties and reunions. I always felt like I fit in there, and in fact, many of my mother's friends doted over me because of my white heritage (in Filipino culture the fact that you're mixed means instant beauty). I visited the Philippines and my family over there four times for weeks at a time throughout my youth. I ate lots of Filipino cooking, heard Tagalog quite often (though I never learned it thoroughly, something I regret), and knew of all the cultural jokes, practices, and expectations. I've always felt closer to my mother than my father. My Dad was born in 1946 and has a very 50's/60's mindset of what marriage and having children should be like. His interests consisted of surfing, cars, traveling, bars, and Asian women (har-har). For these reasons and many others, I've always felt tied to my mother's culture.

Taking into context where I grew up it really is no surprise. The population of my hometown consists of a striking majority of Asian and Caucasian people. All of my best friends in elementary school - save for one - were of Asian decent. It's odd, though, when I look back and at those years. From about fourth grade and on, I had this idealization of what I wished I look like: blonde, blue/green eyes, perfect ski-jump nose, pale, and thin. I always wished I looked more like my father, who I only resemble in height and weight. I'm pretty sure growing up in the O.C. played a big role in that.

Once I hit middle school, I soon found that hanging out with the white crowd was perfectly fine, but I still felt there were some things they didn't understand. I shifted to hanging out with the AZNs and found that though I could identify easily with them, I still sometimes felt like an outsider. Being half-and-half in itself was kind of interesting, but the fact that I was half Filipino made things even more complicated. Is a Filipino even considered Asian? South-East Asian? Pacific Islander? It's amusing how there is even racism and a stereotyped hierarchy amongst Asians.

Urban Dictionary:

2. Hapa girls and guys are more likely to be good-looking than any other race. Nonetheless, it does not mean that all of them are either handsome or hot, but they are just more likely to be.

And then I discovered the stereotype that many people have: half Asians always turn out beautiful! They're so cute! Ouch. That was a hard stereotype to own up to. I have always had low self-esteem, and that just made me feel unworthy of being a "hapa" or a "half asian", something that I inevitably was anyway. I went through thought cycles of idealizing "what if's" of my genetic heredity. I never considered my parents bad-looking, and once adolescence hit it was, "Oh, if only I had gotten my father's straight nose, hazel eyes, narrow face and height mixed with my mother's almond eyes, full lips and high metabolism! Why couldn't it be that way!?" I'm a lot better now, but I am still in the process of coming to terms with that which cannot be changed.

In the end, I feel like this pieced together conglomeration of American, Asian, and Filipino. I have finally somewhat mastered the skill of bringing out the strengths of each in different situations, and I've developed a pride rather than an ambivalence towards my background. I'm grateful for my heritage! It has made me open to and knowledgeable about many other cultures, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

The ever-present forked road.

I am always thinking about the future, now more so that I will be graduating from college soon. At this moment, I am in somewhat of an odd place in my life. I have always been able to balance work and play quite well, but lately I've had to also balance constant ruminative thought about what I will be doing in these upcoming years.

I decided that next year will be my year off. During this time I would like to work part-time, and indulge in things I have not necessarily had the time for. This includes creating more art, writing pieces, and finally making time to take piano lessons. I will probably end up reading, playing a lot of video games, and working on my overindulgent health somewhere during that time as well.

There is an alternate route in this year off; I could study abroad for a year in Japan if I so wished, but I'm not sure if I'm willing to pay for living abroad or if I care so much about a double major.

What has been troubling me the most, more than anything, is what I will do after this year or two off. I have always planned on being an elementary school teacher; I love working with kids, creating lessons and teaching them, and I wanted a job where I could help people in some way. I did not care about the pay or the amount of work. However, after doing many hours of fieldwork I have been turned away from teaching by school politics and by the state the schools are in. The fact that there are few jobs available is pretty off-putting as well. Classrooms are overcrowded and the focus of teaching has shifted from helping students acquire knowledge and learn to interpret the world to preparing them for high-stakes testing. It is disheartening to see that schools are no longer the institute I remember them being.

Although I still may pursue becoming a teacher, what I've been considering more and more these days is becoming a researcher and college professor in developmental psychology. It is the area of my field that is more interesting and comes naturally to me. I realize now that children's development is what makes them interesting to me. Though if I do choose this career... it means six more years in a PhD program. Not to mention I will have to take the GREs and a few more core Psychology classes. Yikes.

I decided to complete more fieldwork and volunteer in developmental psychology research projects during my time off, and then make a real decision. I am considering gender issues across the lifespan and media influence on development as my concentration, but only time will tell.

I will say, though, that the title Dr. Gram does sound very appealing. Haha :P

Rehashing Reading Love.

Once I have more time, I would like to catch up on reading many of the books that occupy my shelf that I have not yet had time to read. Hopefully I can also start to buy and read the books I've been meaning to read.

I read all the Twilight books (that's why they're on my shelf as pictured above), but they take up a whole lot of space and I've been meaning to give them to my cousin. I'll admit to liking them for a brief period of time, but that soon turned to apathy and eventually detest with the ridiculous popularity of the series.

TO READ:

+The Golden Compass

+The Remains of the Day

+Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman

+The Teahouse Fire

+Never Let Me Go

+The BFG

+Stardust

+I am Legend

+Portrait of Dorian Gray

TO BUY:

+The Graveyard Book

+Stone of Tears

+Let the Right One In

+Norwegian Wood

Hahahahalloween.

Was great.

Why hadn't I done anything big before now?

最高のヘアスプレー

これはね、私のヘアアーテイストがおすすめしたヘアスプレーです。使うとカーリースタイル髪の毛を遂げられるね。実は、最近「すぐ髪を切らなくちゃ」と思っているけど、私のヘアアーテイストによろと嘘だ。「十一月か十二月ごろ切ったほうがいいよ」と言ってから、今何もしないつもりなんだ。でも、長い髪になってない。。何すればいいでしょうか。何か詰まらない感じね。

そうね、とりあえずちょうカーリー髪の毛を楽しむ！

PreGraduation Introspection

The world is a vast place, a provider of never ending possibilities, pathways, and trajectories that my life could follow. I often find myself trying to prioritize all the things I would like to do and accomplish, but there are just so many. Sometimes I get caught up in pondering what to do instead of doing; it reminds me of that old saying, "Dreamers never live, only dream of it." I used to look upon this scoffingly - I have always been a dreamer, daydreamer, what have you - but I can see the point that is trying to be conveyed. I need to just do the things I want to, instead of pushing them away because of what I consider a priority. Inclusion but not dominance is key.

At times I have to take on the persona of someone mature and accomplished, but faced with the possibility of being thrown out into the real world I tend to feel uneasy. I am still such a child. Do we remain children forever, constantly adapting, reforming mindsets, gaining new knowledge and experiences? Always thinking that we have reached capacity, only to find hidden rooms and spaces? Maybe my shoes are not filled out just yet. Walking in these shoes is doable, but at times is uncertain and uncomfortable.

Hmn.

Spent the whole day pondering what I would do after I was finished with errands.

Got invited to two Halloween parties, and turned them both down...why?

I wanted to go somewhere. I wanted to wear my costume. I wanted to laugh and have fun...and yet, I constantly find myself refraining from going to parties. I usually start out knowing one or two people, and I do socialize a bit, but somehow the scene is not for me. I would prefer a smaller gathering, if I had friends who actually lived close and knew one another.

It takes some effort to get to know me - something that is incredibly difficult to do at a party full of mainly inebriated strangers. People tend to want instant gratification in new friends and that's usually just not me.

Instead, I think I will get some coffee and go ice-skating with one of my newer friends. This sounds more appealing to me than any other of the options I have.

Samsara.

Goodness, I love Mika Nakashima.

I wish I had a subtitling program so I could properly subtitle this video in English.

It's a very interesting fairytale, and the fashion and style of it are amazing.

Furniture love.

**Sorry in advance for the terrible photo quality (all of these are unedited); I haven't gotten around to getting Photoshop for the Snow Leopard update for my Macbook. =X

Anyway, I recently bought this dresser/vanity thing to complete my room, and I absolutely adore it to death. I finally have a place for all my excess accessories and clothing, which frees up a lot of closet and countertop space.

I now have enough hair to put half up and not look bald, and so I finally get to use this blingin' ribbon clip my friend bought for me a while ago. Yay!

Wooooo! Now all I need is a rug...Hmn.

Random wants.

Rant.

Sometimes I feel like our society supports a very negative stigma about treating mental health.

Because hey, if you need to go to a therapist of psychologist, there must be something extremely wrong with you, right?

Usually if I mention to people that I have been to a therapist, I get all the physical cues of uncomfortableness; the slight raise of the shoulders, rapid blinking of the eyes, aversion of gaze...Since when was it an odd notion to take care of yourself? Sure, you can try and work things out all on your own, I'm all for that, but why are alternate options looked down upon so often?

Personally, I think that everyone should have some sort of therapist. Everyone has problems. It's nice to have an objective listener to work them out with.

Katamari Forever! & Chub Chubz.

Today I picked up my copy of Katamari Forever for the PS3. This has always been one of my favorite series, both for the PS2 and PSP (unfortunately I do not have an XBOX console to have played Beautiful Katamari on). Katamari Forever is amazingly even more addicting than the first versions in the series. Both old and new levels are available, the graphics are as crazy as ever but more visually appealing, music is still catchy-cute, and the gameplay runs smoother. It's a must for fans.

On a completely different note, I finally got a scale in my not-so-new room. Lo and behold, since the beginning of this stressful semester I have gained about 5-7pounds. Terrible. I was unhappy with my weight before and this has definitely added to my dissatisfaction.

I have always been a bigger person in general - an affinity for sweets and several hours of sitting and studying a day does not help my case! Since college started I fee like I just keep gaining and gaining weight. I need to start bringing my own food to school more often (I'm there for literally twelve hours), and somehow make time for the gym again. This was so much easier in high school.

Today my friend stumbled across a site called 美人時計Bijin Tokei or in literal English, "Beautiful Girl Watch." http://www.bijint.com/en/. This site updates every couple of minutes with a picture of a different pretty girl holding up a sign of the time, along with random stats about that girl. Neat!

/end random post.

JPOP!?

I have never really been up to speed with Japanese music; there are few songs that I actually like. I heard this one and was surprised to find that I liked it! It's not my usual choice of Japanese music, but it's cute.

Done picking up the pieces.

I am finally over it all. I have gathered all the shattered remnants of my self-esteem and trust and pieced them back together. A chip remains forgotten here and there, but I've finally managed to branch out and allow myself to make new friends.

BLARGH.

I enjoy being busy. Heck, I kind of revel in it.

School. Work. Hang out with friends. School. Fieldwork. Homework. School. Work. Homework. HangoutHangoutHangoutHangoutHangout Homework. Repeat.

Weekends are not adequate because there are tasks to be carried out.

I need one day, just ONE day in there to be precisely "BLARGH". To just veg out and play some video games, lie in bed, read, and eat comfort foods. Basically, a day to be somewhat of a lazyass.

...blargh.

Sometimes..

The artist and child in me feel one in the same.

Winter Reunion in Japan.

<--Julie & Ben in Osaka, 2007.

The Doraemon one piece was only for pictures, I promise.

During the summer following highschool, I participated in this summer study in Japan program through AFS. I have a lot of fond memories of that trip, as well as many amazing friends - who I am happy to say I am going to meet again! Ben (New York), Jason (Philly) and Kristine (San Jose) and I are meeting up again in Kansai region, the location of our previous experience.

I'll be in Osaka from December 27th to January 8th. New Years in a different country? Can't wait. After the 8th I'll be in Tokyo till the 18th, where I will be staying with a friend. I have to scrimp and save all my money until then, but I'm looking forward to it like no other.

20.

As of August 14th, I am 20-years-old.

I had a good birthday full of surprises, beaches, bike riding, baked goods & sushi.

This was only topped by a good four days in sunny but chilly Santa Barbara with amazing friends, shopping and fun.

I could say more and I could say less, but right now I feel content with just saying...well, that I feel content. :)

Home from China!

After nearly a month of teaching and touring in China, I am finally home! Although China was a great experience, I am thoroughly enjoying being home. There really is no other place like it.

Here are a few highlights of my trip.

Teaching in Shanghai

Classes were divided into five sections according to age, ranging anywhere from 3-13. My homeroom class were 5-7 years old, and incredibly adorable. I miss them already. 

The youngest class during the zenith of the solar eclipse. Total darkness.

Shanghai Nightlife

Shanghai Gardens

Sightseeing in Beijing

The Great Wall of China. Should be called the Great Stairs of China - climbing it was a really big feat, considering the steps were more like jumps and I am incredibly out of shape. :X

Dragon ferry at Summer Palace.

Temple of Heaven.

Forbidden City.

Grandparentlessness.

Lola, Mother, Me. 

A couple of weeks ago, my mom's mom (Lola) passed away. When I was little, both my Lolo and Lola lived with my family and took care of me and my siblings. As I got older, they moved in with my cousins and I visited back and forth until they moved back to the Philippines in 2000. 

I can not help but think how my Lola was my last living grandparent. Lolo died after my family visited him when I was in middle school. My Grandpa Don, who I jokingly refer to as my white grandfather, died when I was in tenth grade. I never knew my real paternal grandmother; she died of a rare disease back when my father was in his twenties. My step-grandmother I knew till I was four, and then she came down with Alzheimer's and I never saw her again. 

With every passing of a grandparent, I find myself regretting not talking in depth to them about their lives. My parents are both of older age, 59 (Mom) and 63 (Dad), so my grandparents have lived long and through so much. What I do know, I want to know more of, but back when I was younger and had the chance I was ignorant enough to pass up the opportunity. 

I was planning to visit my Lola in the Philippines during Christmas, but instead my parents are there now and I have been home alone for a few weeks. I had to stay home to work and complete my lesson planning for China. I wanted to visit the country again (I think this would be my fourth time) and to see all my relatives. Hopefully I can visit soon, and pay tribute to both my Lola and Lolo.