This week has not been the greatest.
I got back from NorCal, which was tons of fun in itself, but contracted some stomach illness and still had to work this week. I gave in and called in sick one day, and after that I have recovered. My mother also broke her foot and was hospitalized to have surgery, and will be bed rest for six weeks and off work for six months (and my Dad does not work). This most certainly cancels out the trip to the Philippines during Christmas. My initial practicum in Changshu, China, was canceled due to swine flu scare, but I am considering an alternate practicum site in the center of Shanghai.
But most of all, more than anything, I have been feeling incredibly lonely.
That's not to say that I don't have friends who I love to hang around, talk and go out with; I have a lot of friends in extremely random places and groups. I'm feeling lonely in the sense that I feel a lack of the meaningfulness, trust, and expectations that come from having a deep relationship with someone.
This week I felt on the verge of tears because of disappointments and my overall situation. I rolled around in my bed and realized I had no one I felt I could talk to. Everyone I flipped by on my phone list I did not want to burden with my problems. Every time I played out the potential scenario in my head, I only saw the person on the other line feeling extremely awkward and troubled (negativity, I know).
I am not bad at making new friends. I can be really shy, but when people are friendly to me it's easy to mutually get along with them. Since I've began college, however, I've only made a handful of good friends that have transcended that "classmate friend" barrier. To everyone else...I don't know if I just have too many guards up or what, but I feel trapped in my own Julianna subspace. I also don't have a lot of new places to make friends, since all I have is work(full of 25+ women) and school(not many chances to talk to people) to count on.
I consider myself a good friend. I can be a bit over critical and needy, but I know when to back off and when to be there for the most part. I know I get taken advantage of a lot, mostly because I'm gullible, too trusting and overly sentimental. I'm a bit introverted so I feel really greatful when I find a person I feel I can get along well with.
Anyway, this panda bear has a case of the blues. Things could always be worse, but I always find myself looking for a way to make them better.
