Just Relax!

I often times feel like my head is being crushed by severe bouts of anxiety. 

I can't exactly recall if I've always been like this or not, but in general, I think I've always had an anxious and nervous temperament/personality.

I fidget constantly when I'm thinking about things. I'm that person in the classroom that can't stop shaking their foot or bouncing their leg.

My hands are always doing something. I unconsciously scribble on or tear up paper if its in front of me, play with my hair, tug at my clothes.

I am increasingly obsessive about my work, even more so when I procrastinate on it. This tends to lead to a period of over focusing on things, which I actually believe is why I do well in school without constantly trying very hard. 

I clean my room consistently and organize everything by shape and size. I double, triple check my homework and my bag before I leave. I'm paranoid about doors being locked and lights being on when I sleep.

I can be a perfectionist about anything and everything I do. This doesn't necessarily mean I succeed 100%, but the mind set is still there.

 

Most of all, I realize, I'm critical and over analytical about myself. Sometimes this criticality spills out in the form of questions said aloud: "Do you think we should change this? Is it really okay? What do you think of this? But is it okay? What about this? What about that? Does this dress look okay? But what about the shoes? Are these accessories okay? Do you think I should've gotten the other one instead?" This loop of self talk should actually be played on silent within the confines of my own mind, but it often spills out. Immediately I realize it is annoying to some people, so I begin with a profuse stream of "I'm sorry! I'm sorry for asking so many questions!" and then proceed to become embarrassed of apologizing so much, which automatically leads to me apologizing more or trying to make it up to the person.

The child developmentalist in me would like to argue that if this indeed my temperament, then the anxiety may stem inconsistent parenting. Not bad parenting, mind you, just inconsistent. Between an anxious and bi-polar father and a mother who was indecisively cold or warm to her children, it's possible that this anxiety can spring from not knowing what to expect of my surroundings. In this scenario, I might obsess over things because I am anxious of the result, and therefore try to control the outcome as much as possible. 

Too much introspection and analyzing of my relationships is based on my need to understand, a concept that wasn't often acknowledged while I was growing up. But I can't understand everything, and even then, understanding everything doesn't necessarily mean that I can change things. I need to talk things out with myself and perhaps others, and then go with what is here and now.

Sometimes the anxiety is so overwhelming that I feel as if I might burst. I get nervous about not doing things right, when I usually do just fine anyway! I just need to relax. I need to stop worrying.