2 Months Later

So I've been in Japan for about two months now. It feels kind of hard to believe that it's been that long already, although in retrospect I have done quite a bit. I find myself studying a lot less than I did back in the US, an occurrence that leaves me feeling a little jaded. I am supposed to be going to school here to learn Japanese, but instead I find myself meandering about, drinking way more than I ever have before in my life, or eating too many snacks and fooling around with my friends (both Japanese and foreign).

It's been a lot of fun, but I think I need to make the conscious decision to a) stop eating so much crap and drinking (I'm developing quite the excessive gut :X) and b) speak in Japanese and crack down on my studies. Not that my grades are bad or anything, but I really need to absorb what I'm supposed to be learning.

In other news, it's Fall in Japan! Coming from a part of California where seasons are nearly nonexistent, I have never experienced more beautiful leaves in my entire life. I spent a few days in the mountains last week, and the leaves were really rich in oranges, yellows and reds. The weather is also colder than I'm used to, so I'm learning how to layer and bundle up appropriately.

I keep wondering when I'll have to bear through waves homesickness. I had a bit of anxiety at the beginning of my stay, but I'm pretty accustomed to my life here already. It may sound kind of strange, but I find myself having a hard time remembering what my daily life was like back home. The idea seems foreign, disconnected as if it was a really long time ago. My heart aches for certain things from home, events or people that induce feelings of longing... but I never ponder too long on them. I know I'll be home again before I know it, or that we'll be in contact soon (thank god for Internet, really).

From my desk I look out my window at night and twelve stories below there's the dull roar of Shinjuku (students cheering, cards trolling on down the road, salesmen shouting to buy their wares), that Tokyo cacophony, resplendent lights glittering out in the distance below. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I am where I am, that somehow I managed to uproot and chuck myself on a plane bound for the other side of the world without a backwards glance. But hey, I'm here aren't I? And I'm doing just fine.

Anyway, I'm not really sure what this post was about... but there you have it - an update! C:

Braindead.

"What's wrong, JuJu?"

Despite the sudden onset of positive things going on in my life, I've recently been sent into a backlash of mental numbness. Don't get me wrong- life has been tons of fun lately, but that busyness that comes with that fun has left me little time to think. At first I thought this was sort of a good thing. I tend to get lost in thought when I'm reflecting or being introspective, and that doesn't always leave me in the best state of mind.

The other day I was trying to read a book and found myself reading the same line over and over. When I finally pushed myself to keep reading, I felt disinterested and so I moved on to another. Same reaction.

I sat and tried to think about things, but I had no relevant thoughts. Instead I felt a sort of silence pressing down, even as a spread over bread, and I immediately felt the need to get up and do something.

I know what is making me feel this way. It's my same old demon, the a-word, the one I've been struggling with since the precipice of puberty: anxiety. I have a lot of changes in my life coming up, and though on the outside I am excited and living things to their greatest extent my subconscious just won't let go of that feeling. I even fooled myself by not thinking about it, by masking it with preoccupation and laughter, but for the past couple of nights I've lied awake, thoughtless, but teeming with inexplicable thoughtless energy.

I'm happy. I'm not even too worried, on the surface, but change is both invigorating and challenging.

21st Birthday!

So this Saturday was my 21st! Wooo. I was trying to keep it low key in preparation for Vegas next weekend, but I ended up doing a lot. In the morning I ate at Las Brisas at Laguna Beach with my mother and ventured over to Tiffany's to order a necklace. I'm not usually a Tiffany's sort of girl, but I wanted to a piece from their collection and thought it would be a nice gesture to remember my parents while I'm not near home.

In the afternoon I got my nails done and then went to RA sushi for happy hour with my sister and some friends, had a few drinks (including a birthday shot that tasted oddly enough like chocolate cake), dropped by home for cake and ice-cream with the family, went to see Scott Pilgrim (it was nerdtastic, I would like to see it again!) and then headed over to a friend's get together to throw back a few more drinks and socialize. It was a really fun birthday, and despite it being my 21st, I was pleasantly tipsy all the while.

On Sunday my brother was nice enough to take me to Hondaya for some drinks and izakaya food, and he also got me two really thoughtful gifts: a much needed external hard-drive and a pair of solid black Toms I'd been pondering over for a while...though that's not to say that I didn't receive very thoughtful gifts from all of my friends and family. :)

It does not feel much different being "legal" or what have you, but it's nice to be on the same page as a lot of my friends!

大変化.

Despite the sudden onset of big changes in my life, I can't help but feel a bit over indulgent. I have been taking it easy the past couple of weeks, not working as much, going out everyday (eating out and shopping too much) and basically enjoying the month I have left in California. It has been a great summer, and the month ahead is full of big events.

First off, it's my 21st birthday this Saturday. Yay! I'm postponing celebrating till the following week, since I'll be going to Vegas for my future sister-in-law's bachelorette party. I'll probably just end up seeing a movie and going out to eat to celebrate. on the actual day.

Second, as mentioned above, my brother is getting married on September 4th. I'm really excited to be a bridesmaid and participate in all the wedding festivities and events during these upcoming weeks. Of course, I'm happy for my brother as well, who has been with the same girl for eight plus years now. I cannot think of a more deserving couple.

Third, I leave to study in Tokyo for a year on September 13th. Part of me is dying with excitement, the other part of me wants to cling onto my home and never leave. Not having the funds to come home during my short winter vacation doesn't help with the anticipatory homesickness, either. I hope I'll be able to visit my friend in Taiwan or my family in the Philippines for Christmas.

That said, this blog will probably shift to more of a "JULIE'S ADVENTURES IN JAPAN!" feel. I redid my layout, and the sub-caption 樹里の世界 means "Julie's World" in preparation for this.

33 more days. I fidget unremittingly at the thought.

Watching.

"Things outside you are projections of what's inside you, and what's inside you is a projection of what's outside. So when you step into the labyrinth outside you, at the same time you're stepping into the labyrinth inside."

Instead of the cliche mental image of a stone or hedged maze, spirals of overgrown blades of grass come to mind when I read this line. It is probably influenced from the story itself, but I feel that way when I picture myself in a metaphorical self-labyrinth. Wandering aimlessly towards the center, some parts dry and barren while others are overgrown, walls shifting and changing... There's something watching me - I catch glimpses of a figure through blade gaps, its hair the same as mine, skin the same as mine, but its eyes dark and brooding and feral. It follows close but not too close and I want to tell it to go away, to leave me alone, but it knows that at times I get weak and then it can pounce, dominate, relinquish and return.

Tangible.

If only life was something I could mold with my hands - you know, pinch and drag where I see fit, smoosh everything into a ball and start all over, plan ahead and successfully follow a design... Though I do suppose that would kind of take the fun out of things.

Far gone.

I want you to very gently close your eyes.

Not tightly - just a simple touch of eyelash to a curve of cheek.

Now, listen.

Not just with your ears.

Really listen with everything you are.

Every little fiber of your being, deep down to the marrow of your bones, to every minuscule synapse, every gap between the atoms of your construction. Hear blood rush through vein in response to every thump of your heart, the air flow through delicate pathways, and most of all hear the sound of my voice; feel the soft thrum of vibrations as the sound passes from my lips through space, and know, with all of what you are, that I am here with you.

Constructive Runaway

I finished my degree in Child/Adolescent Development this spring. Since I was a preteen, I had been set on becoming some sort of educator in the future. Now, in light of everything, I’m not sure anymore.

I could become an elementary school teacher, a college professor, a child psychologist, a pediatrician, a child product designer, or an ESL professional. I could even work in an office if I so desired. And if I really wanted to go back to school and earn a degree in something totally different, I could. School has never jaded me.

Truth be told, I don’t know what I want anymore. I still heavily believe in education; I’m a huge proponent of “children are our future”, as cliché and cheesy as it may sound. Children have the highest potential to better our world. It is through quality education and learning that people avoid being ignorant, committing unintelligent acts, and can seek alternate routes to peace.

Instead of choosing something, I’m running off to another country for a year.

Sayonara, confrontation.

A year is a long time. When I think back to what I was doing around this time last year, it feels like a whole different reality. Generally speaking, a year isn’t really that long to be away from home… but it is for me. I like my life at home, my room, my privacy, heck, I’m pretty happy with the way everything in my life has been going recently.

I can’t help but feel like I’m running away from something. I would say I’m constructively up and leaving for a year, since I’ll be earning another degree, but that sense of abandon still lingers behind.

I don’t want to make a decision yet. When it comes down to it, though, if I don’t settle on something, I’ll end up with nothing.

Conversely.

Today I met with the head of the Japanese department in order to get a section of my lengthy Waseda paperwork filled out. We sat there for about an hour, sifting through what classes I needed at my home school and which ones I needed to take abroad in order to double major by the time I came back.

The head of the department congratulated me on my entry, noting that it had been one of the most competitive years to enter the program. I thanked her (it wasn't something I had not heard before) and she went on to say how 20 people applied at CSULB and 10 people applied at my home institute. And that's disregarding the 20 other campuses (only about 25 students got in CA-wide, and from my school it was just me and some other guy).

When I was sitting there I reflected aloud, "I know it was competitive... that's why I'm taking advantage of going. I'm not sure what made them choose me, but I'm determined to go."

To which she replied, "Well, your grades are great and you came highly recommended. But I know Waseda makes you go through a couple of interviews, and those can be tough for many of my students. You're very..." She made some weird gesture with a raising of her arms. "Lively, friendly, and energetic. I think they would prefer someone like that at their school since you will be very involved and make lots of friends. A lot of my students tend to be very quiet, so I think interviews may be hard for them."

I was a little stunned. This woman had only met with me twice and I had sat in on one of her classes before. I thanked her again. When I had asked my other teachers to write letters of recommendation they had said the exact same thing, with "sociable" and "outgoing" and "asks good questions" and "talkative" thrown into the mix.

It is weird how I would never think of myself that way. I tend to gravitate towards describing myself as shy, reserved, introverted and a little odd. My teachers never seem to see this in the classroom ... maybe I'm just talkative to keep myself entertained during class? Why do I perceive myself in such a typically "negative" way when others don't see it?

Just a thought.*

Meep.

I have nothing to post about, I've been happy as a little clam lately!

I'm not one of those people who says, "Things are finally turning around for me!" That's an incredibly self-pitying and self-viticmizing mindset to have (not to mention annoying beyond belief). Instead I'm going to say, "Things just keep getting better and better!" (Cue big ol' :D-like grin here). Though I'll admit, I can probably only say that because I've been fortunate enough for nothing seriously bad to have happened to me lately or...well, ever? In the past I got disgruntled with petty annoyances. I'd find little things to complain about when everything was fine, and I'd whine to myself or others I felt comfortable with. We all do this to some extent, but over the years this has just lessened and lessened. I don't know if that's the "maturity" kicking in or some other acquisition.

I feel like I've just been drifting through life, riding the waves of good things as they happen and tromping through the annoying or frustrating things with ease. Is that a boastful thing to say? Is it childish to reflect, "Well, hey, nothing bad ever happens to me?" Actually, I wouldn't really say that. I'd say something more along the lines of "Well, hey, nothing bad has ever happened to me yet." But then I'd be expecting something bad, and that's not a very positive mindset to have, is it? Okay, okay, I got it. "I'm happy. I'm grateful. No matter what may come, I'll try my best to keep it that way." I like that optimism. It's something that I had in abundance as a kid, then it just sort of melted away and reformed at times during adolescence, and now it's back. And back to stay? I hope so. :)

/end circular crazy rant

"And with that," she said matter-of-factly, "I'm going to sleep. Please do not wake me, dear, for it is in this sleep that I shall regain all my other worldly strength. I'll recharge my batteries, oil the gears and cleanse the interior... just give me some time."

"Alright,"I replied, though at that time I had been quite unsure of what exactly she was talking about. "I'll give you this time you ask for, but I...well, I can't guarantee that I can ensure your safety while you slumber."

My words were met only with a blank expression, so I continued on,

"As time passes, your insides will become better, but that outside part I'm not so sure of. I have other things to attend to, people to see, errands to run. So whatever happens, happens. Fix it all, but run the risk of husking your shell or chipping away at it. It's your choice."

Reel

Whenever I listen to piano music a reel of images plays through my head like a movie. There are no words, but I know the story, and the details of the image leave nothing unsaid.

Gnnossienne No. 1 by Eril Satie .. inspires the same image from my mind every single time I hear it. The background is in fluent motion, but the two images in the forefront remain solitary save for the blinking of their eyes. Expression says it all.

I wish I could take up the initiative and make time to learn to play.

Good and Bad Regression.

Seriously, there is good regression, and then there is bad regression. It's all about picking out what's what in the context of time.

Core

There is a point in your life where you realize that everyone is just keeping up a facade of who they they think are, who they want to be, or who they believe they should be. We live in a culture obsessed with stuff (I'm no exception) and with maintaining an image. Why is this so important? Why can't people just be who they are at the very core of their being? No masks, no fronts, no letting petty things define you. (Though sometimes I am convinced that some minds have been so squandered that this superficial biomass is who they really are, deep-down to their insides).

Why can't people just be happy with who they are when they are stripped of everything else?

Is that not beautiful enough? Worth enough? Interesting enough?

Clash of the .. something or rather.

I went to go see Clash of the Titans yesterday, despite all the bad reviews it received. While it's just as cheesy as its 80's counterpart, the graphics made the movie enjoyable, though not necessarily memorable or a classic. I expected that I would drool over Sam Worthington or some other guy in the movie, but instead I found myself enamored with and enchanted by Gemma Arterton who played the part of Io. I find her to be very lovely, elegant, and refreshing to look at. She is also cast to play the lead female role in the Prince of Persia movie, and I look forward to seeing her on screen again!

Waseda University.

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you kept telling yourself it wouldn't happen, just so that you wouldn't be crushed and disappointed when it didn't?

I was experiencing that these past couple of weeks. I had applied to study abroad on what I liked to term " a whim", but that's far from the truth. I visited the Waseda campus when I went to Japan over winter break, and I thought it was absolutely amazing. A very safe, nature-filled college town with many international students - perfect, right? However, the fact that the program I was aiming for was so competitive encouraged me to discourage myself from getting my hopes up, which is just what I did for quite some time.

The application process was an endless 30+pages of hell, letters of recommendation, transcripts and essays, but I did it anyway. As the notification of acceptance date grew nearer, I began to try and envision myself in the school I wanted to be in, doing exactly what I wanted to do. I could see the acceptance letter in my hands, imagine how I would decorate my apartment or dorm room, and could see myself ambling down streets full of neon characterized signs. My mom is one of those people who believes that you tell the obedient universe what to do, form follows thought, and nothing ever comes out of being pessimistic.

And you know what? I got in.

A majorly discounted year in a top-notch school in Tokyo.

The best part of all this is that I can finish a second degree in less than a year in a different country, though all things considered, I have to allocate enough money first. The experience is worth the cost, though, I suppose.

JuJu, the concept.

My feet are never securely fastened to the ground. I operate free from gravity and my mind is always dodging shooting stars in space, hair a whirlwind of nebular dust and optics a reflection of galaxies beyond.

森

Who is that?

I'll be 21 in August. Every morning when I look at my unedited reflection I acknowledge that what I'm seeing is me, but a part of myself feels a sense of detachment from that image. I still want to wake up each morning and see a bright-eyed kid, unknowing and uncaring of what lies ahead, but optimistic all the same.

It certainly crept up on me. I have been scaffolding time and experiences for these past 20-some years and now I find myself on the precipice of transitioning into adulthood. Human development terms would classify me as an "emerging adult" or a "developed youth", but what is an adult anyway? It does not seem like something we can circumscribe into written word so easily.

I have made mistakes and learned, expanded my knowledge, gained more experiences, tended to my cognitive abilities, and yet... does that really make people more "mature"? Sometimes when I watch adults the thought strikes me that we may never really leave that murky period that succeeds adolescence. Some people are still caught up in adolescence, others linger in the aftermath, and some reject the past in its entirety and take on what has been defined as a mature mindset.

We may stop growing physically - in fact, we do the opposite and start deteriorating slowly at some point - but our minds are doing the same thing they always were. Analyzing, reevaluating, feeling, sensing, trashing the bad and storing the good, accommodating, changing.

So what does growing older and more mature entail?

What does it mean to be an adult?

I can hear the Tootsie Pop owl in my head, a voice from a retro-commercial piping in that the world may never know.

Little Snippets.

Taking silly Purikura again for the first time in a while:

This amazing perfume by Marc Jacobs.

I caught a whiff of a sample of it in Vogue and I knew it was perfect for me.

I've never put down so much money for a perfume, but I couldn't resist:

Being silly at Disneyland with good friends:

Some charms from the Disneyland store.

I painted my nails with Mad as a Hatter polish by OPI,

which was also purchased at D-land.

Celebrity Crushes.

Because everyone has them! :>

Girl Crushes:

Scarlet Jo'.

Anna Tsuchiya, for being badass and cute.

Shannyn Sossamon.

Christina Ricci

Still as adorable as her Wednesday days.

Zooey Deschanel and her fashion, like so many others.

Keanu Reeves. Since the Bill and Ted days, too.

Masanobu Ando :)

And probably Kenichi Matsuyama.

I guess I do like Asian guys occasionally haha.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

I like dorks.

Christian Bale.

Though I'm pretty sure playing some of my favorite iconic characters

(Batman, Patrick Bateman, Howl etc.) has something to do with it.

And the overly cliche Johnny Depp!

Oddly enough, I think if I made a list of fictional characters I have a crush on it would exceed this one. Hah.

Keys.

Been smiling more, appreciating more, enjoying more.

Worrying less and stilling that burning need to control every aspect of my life.

I became free as soon as I adopted the mindset I needed to have, the attitude I needed to pick up and wear proudly like a new garment, and the positivity that was always there but just needed a little watering and help to flourish.

I have been so grateful lately, and so very in love with my life.

♥

Kitty and Make-up.

Random Picture Post:

Kitty ♥ Crazy cat lady JuJu.

I used to think this cat was a bit of a pest, and she still sort of is, but her hyper craziness has grown on me.

I'm kind of crazy too, anyway, so I guess we're in the same boat.

Old eyeshadows, blinged-out Chanel compact, and three versions of the same balm.

I threw out a lot of old make-up and threw together a kit of make-up I would still like to use.

I never realized how many Benefit products I owned. I'm getting pretty tired of MAC, though there are a few things I'll still use by them. Benefit and Lancome seem to be my revamped obsessions. I never really stay up to speed on the make-up world, but I go through phases with different brands. :)

"God."

In my experiences, there are two things that people never seem to agree upon: religion and politics. Even between the closest of friends, the perspectives on these two different ideas usually differs in one way or another.

The other day my thoughts shot off on this random trajectory about religious and spiritual philosophy and the thought that maybe there really is no such thing as an "atheist" popped into my head. I mean, an atheist is defined as someone who believes in no god or higher power, but in a way, everyone believes in some sort of higher power. Whose job was it to define what "God" is, anyway?

There is something built into the core of our existence as human beings that calls for us to put our faith in something higher and outside ourselves. Anthropologists found that even the earliest type of homo sapiens buried their dead with flowers, tools, and other possessions. Even during those times it was natural to question Why? and What next? and Who?

Some people put their faith into humanity and believe that people can be whole-heartedly kind, empathetic and conduct affairs peaceful with one another. Other people put their faith into spirituality and believe in an unseen connection between people and others, or between people and the natural world. There are even those who put their faith into gaining the most that they can out of this life, whether it be material, status, or the acquisition of knowledge.

In the end, everyone puts their faith into things they believe they are put in this world to do and in a sense, that is their god.

I do believe in God, though if you asked me to describe it, I couldn't tell you. For me, at least, it's hard to imagine that there is no God. Maybe not the humanistic portrait of God as man, but the binding force that holds everything together. I feel like I can see God in humanity, in people offering kindness to one another (not even necessarily someone they know or love). When I go somewhere beautiful, secluded, or untouched by industrialization its the whisper of a presence, the lofty mysteriousness in the air. Even in the most crowded of places, each person has their own little reality or culmination of thoughts and experiences, somehow wired to a million or more other little realities.

I always considered a blend of religious belief and science. "God made the world in 7 days" - well, a "day" could've been millions of years before our concept of time as put into use. A scientist once wrote that the more he studied the ventricles and passages of the heart and saw how everything was a miniscule, carefully molded, complicated system, the more he believed in God. A master designer, planner, and engineer, apparently.

My personal belief is that no matter what religion you are, all the goodness (the prayers, the kind deeds, the selflessness) flows into the same source. You can call the higher power whatever you want. It would be nice if religious dominations would start focusing on the vast similarities among their philosophies rather than the comparatively small differences.

God is like...well, God is like an egg.

Some people like their eggs cooked scrambled, over-easy, poached, fried, sunny-side up, or hard-boiled - but what no matter what they do to it, it's still an egg.

Aquatic.

I went to Sea World over the weekend; got soaked to death by the rapids and the Journey to Atlantis rollercoaster, gazed at some pretty fish as they floated about in their tanks, giggled at and felt an interesting swell of pity for all the animals in their psuedo-natural environments, and all around appreciated the beauty of sea life. If God exists, whether he be an ethereal being or the humanistic figure man paints him to be, then he is probably the greatest artist and designer I have ever known.

Written Journals.

I have a whole shelf of journals. All different shapes. Sizes. Colors. Asian designs, vintage prints, thin and thick, intricate and simple, you name it.

Some of them are completely blank, some half-written in only to abandoned after a few successive days, some battered and full of illegible scribbles, some so thin they have slipped between the cracks in my bookcase, and others of which have a number of pages torn out. The pages currently reside in a decorative box, either stapled, pinned or rubber-banded together, tossed aside for future nostalgic indulgence or speculation.

I could never consistently keep writing. I think my attention to detail is what killed it for me (though honestly that's also what makes reading them great), but to this day I am not so sure the reason. Probably time. Fear or my own thoughts? Maybe. Sometimes reading my old journal entires is like taking a peek into the life and mind of a completely different person; not necessarily a stranger, but definitely not a persona I would identify as "me."

I found some very old journal quotes that in retrospect, make me kind of laugh a little on the inside.

Example: "My mind is a mess I do not want to clean up. A messy room. I'll let the piles of books and papers remain until their pages turn yellow, until their bindings simply mass together into a tower. Bed unmade, clothes strewn across the floor, shoes remaining where I kicked them off...what's the point of picking it up, of fussing over it, if it is just going to get messed up again? I'll watch the dust collect on my belongings, the curtains get eaten away by bugs, the carpets become soiled with dirt, the light flicker into dimness and then finally into darkness, the clock tick its last tock.. And I won't care. I will forget my cultivated mindset and give into this reckless madness, because only after we are abandoned are we truly free."

If I could respond to my early adolescent self it would probably go something like this:

"My mind - my self, better put - is like the old room of a remodeled house. There are some pieces of furniture with very nice qualities to it, and others that may need a patch up here and there. Other things in the room I would much like to forget (the dent in the wall, the stain on the carpet, the way the curtains seem to hang uneven at times), but they give the room a certain quality that I cannot deny - that is has been occupied, lived in, that things have happened in this room that have made it the way it is. Though sometimes it does not seem to fit in with the newer, remodeled rooms, I still try and find time to enjoy and appreciate it. I want to share it with others, if they would make the effort to come in. I have promised myself that I will not remodel, but rather add a decoration or two, perhaps a new fixing in key places, a new paint job to change things up. But to change that underlying floorpan, the nicks and little oddities that make the room...well it would just ruin it completely."

Julianna Louise.

I'm not really sure why I was named the way I am. I've heard mixed stories including that my family has a history of the name Julian (my family did not know I was a girl until days before my birth - my baby shower was for a boy, and for the first few months of my life I wore boys' clothes). Or even that the prettiest cocktail waitress my father ever met was named Julianna (classy, huh?)

Louise was my paternal Grandmother's name, I never really knew her...she died of a liver disease years and years before I was born. All I know is that she danced ballet professionally, wanted (and got) a pink Thunderbird to be driven around in (she did not drive out of a fear that she would hit a child), and loved mink coats.

I have gone by Julie for as long as I can remember, but since college started and I gave up on constantly having to correct professor after professor about my name, I have grown sort of a liking to my name. Sometimes I feel like Julianna is a name for all the mature aspects of myself, all the ambitions, insights, and culminating life lessons brought on from experience. Julie, on the other hand, would be my daydreamer, unending optimism, carefree and friendly.

Common name meanings for Julie is youthful and soft-haired; for Julianna it is beautiful and youthful.

You know, I'm not really sure where these thoughts came from.

Well...I do have soft hair?

Ugh.

I hate being sick (who doesn't?). It makes me feel lazy and unproductive, or otherwise numb and medicated to the hilt.

I should expect it, though, since all the children I work with are sick. I keep pumping myself full of vitamins.

I've just been going to school/work, coming home, and then watching movies, eating soup, drinking tea, and playing Assassin's Creed II. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Resolutions.

I have so few resolutions for this year.

Other than what was mentioned in my previous post, I have the usual list of 1) lose weight, 2) create (write/draw) more, and 3) be kinder to my parents.

Aside from that, I guess I will be applying to study abroad , though I'm not so sure if I am dead set on going anymore. I also need to stop cussing.. not that I do so in excess, but it is a bad habit. I also need to read more, I suppose.

I have always had a real certain way of where my life was going up until recently, but now I am not so sure what I am going to be doing these next couple of years. Abroad? Graduate school? Straight to work? I am not really sure what will happen after this spring, and although I'm a bit of a control freak who has to know exactly how things are going to go down, it is also kind of exciting not really knowing.

Lost in thought, not translation.

I have been in Japan since December 28th. I was staying in the Kansai region with three friends until January 8th, whereafter I took a Shinkansen to Tokyo and will be staying here until the 18th.

I could blog for pages and pages about Japan, from the picturesque and peaceful temples of Kyoto to the sprawling metropolis of Tokyo, but insead I find myself carried away in thought.

One of my main resolutions for 2010:
LEARN TO LOVE MYSELF.

It may sound pathetic, it may sound self centered, but it is something I need to do. Since staying in Japan, I realized the reason I have liked to travel here so often is because of the friends I have made here. They help me feel some confidence in myself, not because of their praises or thanks, but because of the subtle way in which they appreciate me being here and the little things that I do.

I have always considered low self esteem one of my major afflictions. Not that I want to have a big head or anything, but I need to gain some more confidence. It is time I follow in route with my favorite saying and accept myself and the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and realize the difference between the two.