Little Bits of Happiness.

Puchi Petite Miniatures

As a child, I collected fake plastic food and animal miniatures. Somehow this transgressed into a love for miniatures of just about anything. I receive Puchi boxes as gifts often, and I love each and every one of them! I even have a miniature display cabinet for the food miniatures.

Mitzy

My dog, Mitzy, is nearly 13 years old. I've had her for 11 years now, and I can't imagine life without her.

Old Family Photos

This is a picture of my mom from 1973 (she is about 23-years-old here). She said she often made her own dresses, like the one in this picture. 

Maybe Baby Perfume by Benefit

I switch around on perfumes a lot, but I've been using Maybe Baby by Benefit for quite some time now. It's good for everyday use and outings - it smells girly and clean and I love it.

Goma Ice-cream

"Goma" is black sesame seed ice-cream. I know it sounds questionable as an ice-cream, but it is absolutely wonderful. I haven't had Goma flavored ice-cream since I was in Japan, but I recently found a restaurant that sells this flavor...I forgot how much I liked it! 

Loose Leaf Tea

There's something relaxing and authentic about loose leaf tea. I love this container, despite the drug inference it may make. :)

Afternoon Naps

Nothing beats a power nap after lunch!

Serenity.

We should not rely on the hope or possibility for others to change, but rather change our perspective of others and adjust their impact and involvement in our lives. I am finding this more and more true when it comes to disappointment or unhappinesses with my relationships. 

I'm not an extremely religious person, but my favorite prayer/saying since I was little offers good advice regardless of your beliefs: 

The Serenity Prayer

"God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference."

The Loneliest Panda Bear.

This week has not been the greatest. 

I got back from NorCal, which was tons of fun in itself, but contracted some stomach illness and still had to work this week. I gave in and called in sick one day, and after that I have recovered. My mother also broke her foot and was hospitalized to have surgery, and will be bed rest for six weeks and off work for six months (and my Dad does not work). This most certainly cancels out the trip to the Philippines during Christmas. My initial practicum in Changshu, China, was canceled due to swine flu scare, but I am considering an alternate practicum site in the center of Shanghai.

But most of all, more than anything, I have been feeling incredibly lonely.

That's not to say that I don't have friends who I love to hang around, talk and go out with; I have a lot of friends in extremely random places and groups. I'm feeling lonely in the sense that I feel a lack of the meaningfulness, trust, and expectations that come from having a deep relationship with someone. 

This week I felt on the verge of tears because of disappointments and my overall situation. I rolled around in my bed and realized I had no one I felt I could talk to. Everyone I flipped by on my phone list I did not want to burden with my problems. Every time I played out the potential scenario in my head, I only saw the person on the other line feeling extremely awkward and troubled (negativity, I know).

I am not bad at making new friends. I can be really shy, but when people are friendly to me it's easy to mutually get along with them. Since I've began college, however, I've only made a handful of good friends that have transcended that "classmate friend" barrier. To everyone else...I don't know if I just have too many guards up or what, but I feel trapped in my own Julianna subspace. I also don't have a lot of new places to make friends, since all I have is work(full of 25+ women) and school(not many chances to talk to people) to count on. 

I consider myself a good friend. I can be a bit over critical and needy, but I know when to back off and when to be there for the most part. I know I get taken advantage of a lot, mostly because I'm gullible, too trusting and overly sentimental. I'm a bit introverted so I feel really greatful when I find a person I feel I can get along well with. 

Anyway, this panda bear has a case of the blues. Things could always be worse, but I always find myself looking for a way to make them better. 

A Handcrafted Arigatou!

I have always loved hand-making cards for people. This particular card was made for my room-mate Kinuko's mother. She's not really my roommate, but she's rented a room in our house for a while now and we've become good friends. 

A while back, Kinuko was shopping with me while I was looking for cute hair accessories at the mall. We talked about how much cuter and cheaper they were in Japan, and I thought that was that, but a few weeks later I received a large package packed full of cute headbands, hairties, and clips from Japan. Apparently Kinu asked her mother to buy me some accessories from some stores in Japan, including Claire's, which oddly enough is aimed at a much older audience over there.

After an incredibly awkward "thank you" conversation over webcam with her mother, I decided I should send her something! I found out she liked owls and hand-crafted things, so voila, my card.

My hand writing is so small! 

Sorry for the poor quality, I took these in a rush while I was going to the post office.

Picture Post Part Deux

Short post in respect to the last,

 but here are some very lovely spring patterned garments I bought recently:

New purse! It's my favorite color, c'mon, I had to buy it. 

And my favorite pillow!

The end.

Desk items - a Picture Post!

Today is a picture post!

Photobucket kinda ruined the quality, but enjoy random photos!

My desk on a typical afternoon.

 Yes, I know, it's ridiculously colorful. 

That big bread thing was my unhealthy brunch, courtesy of the bakery.

I recently switched out my planner on the left for the one on the right. 

I love the little sketches on it and it's more convenient as it is monthly instead of weekly:

These are my two favorite journals/sketchbooks. 

The one on the left has adorable sketches already in it:

My pencil bag is peaceful...like Paris?

I bought this book in light of planning to spend almost a month in China this summer. The depiction of Chinese people on the front is funny, especially since the people repeat :D

Mmmm, tea. 

Just Relax!

I often times feel like my head is being crushed by severe bouts of anxiety. 

I can't exactly recall if I've always been like this or not, but in general, I think I've always had an anxious and nervous temperament/personality.

I fidget constantly when I'm thinking about things. I'm that person in the classroom that can't stop shaking their foot or bouncing their leg.

My hands are always doing something. I unconsciously scribble on or tear up paper if its in front of me, play with my hair, tug at my clothes.

I am increasingly obsessive about my work, even more so when I procrastinate on it. This tends to lead to a period of over focusing on things, which I actually believe is why I do well in school without constantly trying very hard. 

I clean my room consistently and organize everything by shape and size. I double, triple check my homework and my bag before I leave. I'm paranoid about doors being locked and lights being on when I sleep.

I can be a perfectionist about anything and everything I do. This doesn't necessarily mean I succeed 100%, but the mind set is still there.

 

Most of all, I realize, I'm critical and over analytical about myself. Sometimes this criticality spills out in the form of questions said aloud: "Do you think we should change this? Is it really okay? What do you think of this? But is it okay? What about this? What about that? Does this dress look okay? But what about the shoes? Are these accessories okay? Do you think I should've gotten the other one instead?" This loop of self talk should actually be played on silent within the confines of my own mind, but it often spills out. Immediately I realize it is annoying to some people, so I begin with a profuse stream of "I'm sorry! I'm sorry for asking so many questions!" and then proceed to become embarrassed of apologizing so much, which automatically leads to me apologizing more or trying to make it up to the person.

The child developmentalist in me would like to argue that if this indeed my temperament, then the anxiety may stem inconsistent parenting. Not bad parenting, mind you, just inconsistent. Between an anxious and bi-polar father and a mother who was indecisively cold or warm to her children, it's possible that this anxiety can spring from not knowing what to expect of my surroundings. In this scenario, I might obsess over things because I am anxious of the result, and therefore try to control the outcome as much as possible. 

Too much introspection and analyzing of my relationships is based on my need to understand, a concept that wasn't often acknowledged while I was growing up. But I can't understand everything, and even then, understanding everything doesn't necessarily mean that I can change things. I need to talk things out with myself and perhaps others, and then go with what is here and now.

Sometimes the anxiety is so overwhelming that I feel as if I might burst. I get nervous about not doing things right, when I usually do just fine anyway! I just need to relax. I need to stop worrying.