Braindead.

"What's wrong, JuJu?"

Despite the sudden onset of positive things going on in my life, I've recently been sent into a backlash of mental numbness. Don't get me wrong- life has been tons of fun lately, but that busyness that comes with that fun has left me little time to think. At first I thought this was sort of a good thing. I tend to get lost in thought when I'm reflecting or being introspective, and that doesn't always leave me in the best state of mind.

The other day I was trying to read a book and found myself reading the same line over and over. When I finally pushed myself to keep reading, I felt disinterested and so I moved on to another. Same reaction.

I sat and tried to think about things, but I had no relevant thoughts. Instead I felt a sort of silence pressing down, even as a spread over bread, and I immediately felt the need to get up and do something.

I know what is making me feel this way. It's my same old demon, the a-word, the one I've been struggling with since the precipice of puberty: anxiety. I have a lot of changes in my life coming up, and though on the outside I am excited and living things to their greatest extent my subconscious just won't let go of that feeling. I even fooled myself by not thinking about it, by masking it with preoccupation and laughter, but for the past couple of nights I've lied awake, thoughtless, but teeming with inexplicable thoughtless energy.

I'm happy. I'm not even too worried, on the surface, but change is both invigorating and challenging.

21st Birthday!

So this Saturday was my 21st! Wooo. I was trying to keep it low key in preparation for Vegas next weekend, but I ended up doing a lot. In the morning I ate at Las Brisas at Laguna Beach with my mother and ventured over to Tiffany's to order a necklace. I'm not usually a Tiffany's sort of girl, but I wanted to a piece from their collection and thought it would be a nice gesture to remember my parents while I'm not near home.

In the afternoon I got my nails done and then went to RA sushi for happy hour with my sister and some friends, had a few drinks (including a birthday shot that tasted oddly enough like chocolate cake), dropped by home for cake and ice-cream with the family, went to see Scott Pilgrim (it was nerdtastic, I would like to see it again!) and then headed over to a friend's get together to throw back a few more drinks and socialize. It was a really fun birthday, and despite it being my 21st, I was pleasantly tipsy all the while.

On Sunday my brother was nice enough to take me to Hondaya for some drinks and izakaya food, and he also got me two really thoughtful gifts: a much needed external hard-drive and a pair of solid black Toms I'd been pondering over for a while...though that's not to say that I didn't receive very thoughtful gifts from all of my friends and family. :)

It does not feel much different being "legal" or what have you, but it's nice to be on the same page as a lot of my friends!

大変化.

Despite the sudden onset of big changes in my life, I can't help but feel a bit over indulgent. I have been taking it easy the past couple of weeks, not working as much, going out everyday (eating out and shopping too much) and basically enjoying the month I have left in California. It has been a great summer, and the month ahead is full of big events.

First off, it's my 21st birthday this Saturday. Yay! I'm postponing celebrating till the following week, since I'll be going to Vegas for my future sister-in-law's bachelorette party. I'll probably just end up seeing a movie and going out to eat to celebrate. on the actual day.

Second, as mentioned above, my brother is getting married on September 4th. I'm really excited to be a bridesmaid and participate in all the wedding festivities and events during these upcoming weeks. Of course, I'm happy for my brother as well, who has been with the same girl for eight plus years now. I cannot think of a more deserving couple.

Third, I leave to study in Tokyo for a year on September 13th. Part of me is dying with excitement, the other part of me wants to cling onto my home and never leave. Not having the funds to come home during my short winter vacation doesn't help with the anticipatory homesickness, either. I hope I'll be able to visit my friend in Taiwan or my family in the Philippines for Christmas.

That said, this blog will probably shift to more of a "JULIE'S ADVENTURES IN JAPAN!" feel. I redid my layout, and the sub-caption 樹里の世界 means "Julie's World" in preparation for this.

33 more days. I fidget unremittingly at the thought.

Watching.

"Things outside you are projections of what's inside you, and what's inside you is a projection of what's outside. So when you step into the labyrinth outside you, at the same time you're stepping into the labyrinth inside."

Instead of the cliche mental image of a stone or hedged maze, spirals of overgrown blades of grass come to mind when I read this line. It is probably influenced from the story itself, but I feel that way when I picture myself in a metaphorical self-labyrinth. Wandering aimlessly towards the center, some parts dry and barren while others are overgrown, walls shifting and changing... There's something watching me - I catch glimpses of a figure through blade gaps, its hair the same as mine, skin the same as mine, but its eyes dark and brooding and feral. It follows close but not too close and I want to tell it to go away, to leave me alone, but it knows that at times I get weak and then it can pounce, dominate, relinquish and return.

Tangible.

If only life was something I could mold with my hands - you know, pinch and drag where I see fit, smoosh everything into a ball and start all over, plan ahead and successfully follow a design... Though I do suppose that would kind of take the fun out of things.

Far gone.

I want you to very gently close your eyes.

Not tightly - just a simple touch of eyelash to a curve of cheek.

Now, listen.

Not just with your ears.

Really listen with everything you are.

Every little fiber of your being, deep down to the marrow of your bones, to every minuscule synapse, every gap between the atoms of your construction. Hear blood rush through vein in response to every thump of your heart, the air flow through delicate pathways, and most of all hear the sound of my voice; feel the soft thrum of vibrations as the sound passes from my lips through space, and know, with all of what you are, that I am here with you.

Constructive Runaway

I finished my degree in Child/Adolescent Development this spring. Since I was a preteen, I had been set on becoming some sort of educator in the future. Now, in light of everything, I’m not sure anymore.

I could become an elementary school teacher, a college professor, a child psychologist, a pediatrician, a child product designer, or an ESL professional. I could even work in an office if I so desired. And if I really wanted to go back to school and earn a degree in something totally different, I could. School has never jaded me.

Truth be told, I don’t know what I want anymore. I still heavily believe in education; I’m a huge proponent of “children are our future”, as cliché and cheesy as it may sound. Children have the highest potential to better our world. It is through quality education and learning that people avoid being ignorant, committing unintelligent acts, and can seek alternate routes to peace.

Instead of choosing something, I’m running off to another country for a year.

Sayonara, confrontation.

A year is a long time. When I think back to what I was doing around this time last year, it feels like a whole different reality. Generally speaking, a year isn’t really that long to be away from home… but it is for me. I like my life at home, my room, my privacy, heck, I’m pretty happy with the way everything in my life has been going recently.

I can’t help but feel like I’m running away from something. I would say I’m constructively up and leaving for a year, since I’ll be earning another degree, but that sense of abandon still lingers behind.

I don’t want to make a decision yet. When it comes down to it, though, if I don’t settle on something, I’ll end up with nothing.