Ugh.

I hate being sick (who doesn't?). It makes me feel lazy and unproductive, or otherwise numb and medicated to the hilt.

I should expect it, though, since all the children I work with are sick. I keep pumping myself full of vitamins.

I've just been going to school/work, coming home, and then watching movies, eating soup, drinking tea, and playing Assassin's Creed II. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Resolutions.

I have so few resolutions for this year.

Other than what was mentioned in my previous post, I have the usual list of 1) lose weight, 2) create (write/draw) more, and 3) be kinder to my parents.

Aside from that, I guess I will be applying to study abroad , though I'm not so sure if I am dead set on going anymore. I also need to stop cussing.. not that I do so in excess, but it is a bad habit. I also need to read more, I suppose.

I have always had a real certain way of where my life was going up until recently, but now I am not so sure what I am going to be doing these next couple of years. Abroad? Graduate school? Straight to work? I am not really sure what will happen after this spring, and although I'm a bit of a control freak who has to know exactly how things are going to go down, it is also kind of exciting not really knowing.

Lost in thought, not translation.

I have been in Japan since December 28th. I was staying in the Kansai region with three friends until January 8th, whereafter I took a Shinkansen to Tokyo and will be staying here until the 18th.

I could blog for pages and pages about Japan, from the picturesque and peaceful temples of Kyoto to the sprawling metropolis of Tokyo, but insead I find myself carried away in thought.

One of my main resolutions for 2010:
LEARN TO LOVE MYSELF.

It may sound pathetic, it may sound self centered, but it is something I need to do. Since staying in Japan, I realized the reason I have liked to travel here so often is because of the friends I have made here. They help me feel some confidence in myself, not because of their praises or thanks, but because of the subtle way in which they appreciate me being here and the little things that I do.

I have always considered low self esteem one of my major afflictions. Not that I want to have a big head or anything, but I need to gain some more confidence. It is time I follow in route with my favorite saying and accept myself and the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and realize the difference between the two.

人間

Venturing about.

Return!?

My prayer tablet from 2007 is in there somewhere,

with the usual wishes written upon it:

stay healthy,

do well in school,

protect my family,

meet a nice boy,

and return to Japan someday.

I knew the first three were likely to happen, but I never imagined the last would!

Well, not so soon, anyway.

9 more days.

Revisiting old friends and nostalgic places for ten days, and then visiting the sprawling metropolis of Tokyo and my friend Kinuko for another ten or so.

This, combined with Christmas, is making me feel elated beyond belief. I am so excited for both that I can hardly contain myself. I think one of these is appropriate:

^_____^!!!!

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I had been wandering through the snow for quite some time. It was cold, but not unpleasant...comforting, really, in a numbing way. There were indents in the soft sheen of ice, freshly made by the careful steps of my predecessor. The prints diverted off the slick road I had been traveling, off into a set of ominous looking trees growing nearby. I wanted to stick to my initial path, but I knew that this divergent road would eventually converge back into the one I had started on. It did not hold the appeal of safety the main road did, but it offered a lure that little else ever had.

You know what really grinds my gears?

You know what really grinds my gears? People who constantly use other peoples' ideas to project what they think their personality, interests, and thoughts are or should be. I know that everyone has idols they are inspired by, and that everyone, regardless, borrows ideas from somewhere or another. But the fact that some people just constantly barrage you with works and ideas that are not their own to "express themselves" is irritating. I like people with diverse interests and knowledgeable backgrounds about this and that, but if when it comes down to it they have no real thought processes of their own, it is frustrating and disheartening.

I remember reading in Invisible Monsters the quote "I am the combined effort of everyone I have ever known." I instantly liked this idea because I thought it true: it is. Work to change that. Throw your own effort into that mix, and make it the dominant force. Take things that you admire or believe and challenge them, draw your own conjectures, and change them as you see fit. Never stick to what is safe. Be able to apply your beliefs and knowledge in different contexts. Perpetuate a cycle of being inspired, inspiring others and inspiring yourself.